Babysitting Alonzo

The perfect eyes of Alonzo

This is my fifth day of babysitting my grandson, Alonzo, age 6.  His mom is a teacher whose school ended a week later than his.  So I picked him up and brought him to my home but first he had to go see the eye doctor because while goofing around at his regular Doctor's office getting his wellness check, he didn't read the eye chart right. 

So, the Optometrist's assistant, a Nazi chick in a ponytail checks his eyes and right off the bat (bat, get it?) tells me his eyesight is superior so I told her we should just leave and save the $150 my daughter paid for the check-up but OH NO, she gave me a long description of why we needed to stay and you know how when someone is not quite telling the truth and all you hear is something akin to a gerbil squeaking and warbling and all the time I am nodding my head smiling and thinking "bullshit".  Well, my semi-intelligent responses of trying to reason and question were met with the ultimate "you'll have to ask the doctor", interpreted as "I dunno". 

So here comes Mr. long and tall, authority figure and he has Alonzo read letters on the wall and says, "he has 20/15 vision, beyond perfect" and then says he will have his assistant pony tail woman put drops in Alonzo's eyes to dialate the pupils to which I attempted to thwart as I know that eye doctors do not need to subject us to this, they just need to work a little harder to see the back of the eye.  I haven't had a drop for 5 years and it was my Dr. who said, "those just make the Dr.'s job easier".  As I attempted to discuss this with Mr. Tall, he got angry and demanded the name of my Dr. and wrote it down and strode out.  Now mind you, I have been in a little stuffy room with a 6 year old boy who is bouncing off the walls in boredom and needing an explanation about every item in the room including the lint he found on his shirt!  Her comes Madame Ponytail and wanted to know what the plan was.  I told her the Dr. wrote my Dr.'s name down and left and would she please find out what the plan was.  Well, here we go again, "gibber, warble, bleh, blah" and of course me known for patience (not), cuts in and says, "I don't need to figure out why he isn't here etc., please find out what he wants to do and let's get done".   So I hear this voice boom down the hallway, "give him the drops".  Ah hah, the good Doc. punishes the grandma for questioning his authority and makes the decision and me......ready to storm out.....but can't figure out a way to get my daughter's $150 check back from the front desk and hearing this little voice from the exam chair say, "grandma, you need to be patient".  AH HAH, drops for you sonny.  It was only a few minutes ago, Alonzo was saying, "thanks for sticking up for me grandma, I don't want drops (of course he has no idea why but more just because grandma doesn't) but he liked the cute ponytail lady and must of decided in the end his ole granny needed to behave!

So the doctor comes back into the room, beams a flashlight type high/tech beam in his eyes and says, "he's good "no problems.  A grandmother's intuition could of told him that.  I politely and with a phoney smile thanked him, had Alonzo thank him and then we ran away from that awful place (only Alonzo couldn't run so good cause he was dialyzed and practically blind) so he hobble ran.

Ok now we are heading down the freeway and about an hour into the trip and grandma graciously answering all questions about squashed bugs, what that bag is hanging underneath the cows asks Alonzo:
"do you need to pee",
"no". 
2 minutes later, "grandma, I need to pee"
and no rest stops for 45 more miles and him yelling,
"just pull over grandma,
I'll pee in a bush",
"no, Alonzo, not safe"
"I'm going to pee my pants
"hold it"
"I can't"
So I get off the freeway and pull into a Ramada Inn parking lot but he doesn't think he can make it so I park where there are bushes and out he goes and does his job.  Later, I overhear him telling his father on the phone that grandma made him pee in the bushes and wouldn't let him use a bathroom!!!!

20 minutes later, "grandma, I have to pee again".  AAAAAARGGGGHHHHH.  (I am thinking).

300 pee stops later, we land at our home, safe on my couch and knitting......

Day 2:

We go swimming at the YMCA.  Alonzo likes to wear inflatable armbands in the pool.  We are immediately apprehended by one of the 50 lifeguards and told he can't wear them as someone may puncture it and then he would drown.  No matter that he has used them since age 2 and we have yet to meet the vicious predator who stabs kid's inflatable arm bands which read:

This is not a life-saving device.  DO NOT leave child unattended while in use. (no duh).
WARNING:  Use only under competent supervision ONLY (that would not be me but ya get what ya get).
DO NOT over inflate or use high-pressure air to inflate this product.  (tell me about that while I was in the dressing room slobbering all over trying to blow these up while on his arms.....he is amazingly patient until I figure out to quit pinching the x*&% hole while trying to plug it while losing all the air.  ALL YOU SMARTER people who know to quit pinching because the air stays in can go f_ _ _ _ yourselves.)
ONLY to be used in water in which the user is within its depth.
MADE IN CHINA.

I tried to read this official statement to the lifeguard but she held her ground and gave us 3 foam blocks to tie around his waist.

This pool happened to have one of those circular, moves you along jet stream flows in it.  Picture me and grandson going around about 500 laps in 2 hours.  I am dizzy and have had every child and some of their parents slamming into me and add those long noodles into the equation and viola, I am battered but Alonzo screams for joy and insists on riding on grandma's back (oh please have a rule about this, no such luck, the Seattle Y doesn't allow grandchildren on their grandma's back, dang).  Alonzo got in trouble a bunch more times, "no cannon balls", "no twisting in the air while you jump in", "no belly flops".  One position only, "feet straight in".  Where are we in prison? 

Alot more wrinkled than when I walked in, we leave the pool, back to the women's room (social workers who have worked in Child Protection like me never take their eyes off children)  (yes, he will wind up in therapy later because of the overly protective women in his life).  So of course there is a woman and her daughter buck naked showering so I make him avert his eyes and not look but he keeps peeping. 

Poo time:

Home we go for a brief break.  I am starting to worry, he hasn't pooed for a few days.  I text his mom, and she blithely texts back, "give him grapes and a warm bath".  Bleh, I did it my way but did give him the grapes.  So he eats the grapes, gets cramps, won't go to the bathroom.  Instead he wants to lay on the couch because his belly hurts.  Ok, are you ready and this goes into the book of dysfunctional babysitting rules:

"Alonzo, go poo, or I'll beat you with my slipper.  (Alonzo just read this sentence and is all over me, screeching).  Ah, for the sake of art, where we go.  Alonzo pooed.

Pee sprinkles

Of course another issue the whole time was his stupendous talent for "peeing without hands"  (yes, "grandma, look, no hands) but all along the agenda is so he won't have to wash his hands after.  So without hands, I had the privledge of sitting on "pee sprinkles" all week.

In case you have lost track, this is still Day 2.  Next I take him to the "BMX" park where he manages to find a mudhole to fall into right off the bat.  Who cares if he's dirty, go play.  Next the playground.  Next home.  I don't know what he did the rest of the night.....I was in a coma.

Day 3:

Alonzo's "A":

The A that was once golden

Grandma projects:  Paint the A light blue, dye mama's black sweater she spilled clorox on, etc. 

Alonzo discovers his skin color:

Alonzo's people

Alonzo told his mom the other day:

"Did you notice that the people in my dad's family are black".

"Yes"

"You could get a tan"

"Santa Claus is white".

Alonzo's stuffed animal "Flip Flop"

Every night Alonzo went to bed with Flip Flop and.......grandma.  This guy likes a back scratch before going to sleep, a cuddle, a knee in my stomach, a cheek on my cheek, a little fart or 2 on grandma's leg before he falls asleep.

Day 4:

World Wrestling Entertainment:

WWE Smackdown

Friday night Smackdown.  Yes, I know all the players and it is one of Alonzo's favorite times.  He starts watching the clock 2 hours ahead of time and asks me the time every 5 minutes and when it's time, my little macho man wants grandma on the couch with him under the yellow kitty blanket to snuggle while he watches big not too brilliant guys knock the tar out of one another.  For grandma however; it's eye candy.

Naked doll saga 

"GRANDMA, she's NAKED".

"Yep"

"Ewwwww.

And later when he was put into time out, oh let's see for trying to choke me with a bungie cord, putting a wet bottle on my black walnut table, for talking back, for not minding, etc. he decapitated the naked doll and hid her.  Revenge.

Grandma's home made slippers for Alonzo

"Why is one toe blue and the other yellow?"

"Oh cripes, don't ask".

Day 5:

After 5 days of babysitting, I look like a bedraggled rag doll, out of patience, out of constructive ways to discipline and waiting for mama to come and get him.   And Alonzo was beside himself when the door bell rang and he ran to his mother's arms......almost had a Hallmark moment......but he says:

"Pee Whew, mama you stink"

Mommy must of smoked a cigarette before coming in......sigh.

One of the loves of my life